Let’s say you’ve decided you want to be more physically active. You spend a lot of time sitting, and you’d like to get out and do more. Going for a walk after work seems like a reasonable place to start. But by the time the evening comes, you’re looking forward to sitting down, watching something, and having nobody expect anything from you for a while. You put off the walk, and the next day you’re having more or less the same conversation with yourself.
It’s frustrating, especially when you feel that you’ve already thought this through. You know what you want to change, and you have a fairly simple plan. So what’s making it difficult to follow? One thing worth looking at is what you like about the routine you already have. Even a routine you’re dissatisfied with can include things that are important to you and that you’re reluctant to give up.
For example, the evening may be the only part of the day that doesn’t feel organized around work or other people’s needs. You enjoy being comfortable, and you want to decide for yourself what to do with that time. Adding another commitment can feel like extending the workday, even if you chose the commitment yourself. You can want to be more active and still feel annoyed that doing so means giving up something you’ve been looking forward to all day.
In therapy, I try to help people understand these competing motivations without immediately deciding which ones are good or bad. Wanting to rest is something we can look at honestly, including what rest means to you and whether you’re getting enough of it. The same goes for wanting comfort, entertainment, or time alone. If you think the only acceptable answer is that you should want to exercise, you may have difficulty admitting how much you enjoy staying home.
It’s also useful to look more closely at the change you say you want. What appeals to you about being more active? Do you miss an activity you used to enjoy? Would you like to spend more time outside, or do something with a friend? Or are you mainly thinking about what you believe someone your age ought to be doing? These questions can help clarify what you’re hoping to get out of the change and how important it actually is to you.
Of course, there can be practical considerations as well. Your schedule may leave you with very little free time. You may be exhausted, have health limitations, or have responsibilities that make going out difficult. These circumstances matter when deciding what’s realistic. Looking at your motivations shouldn’t become a way of dismissing the actual demands on your time and energy.
Once you have a clearer picture of what you want, you can begin thinking about what you’re willing to change. Perhaps being more active is important enough to you that you’re willing to give up some of your usual evening routine. Perhaps the evening is a particularly poor time, and you want to consider other possibilities. You might also realize that you haven’t decided how much you want this, and need to work that out before committing yourself to another plan.
The details make a difference. Someone who enjoys company might be interested in walking with a friend, while someone whose day involves constant interaction might prefer time alone. Another person may want to leave their evenings as they are and find an activity they enjoy at a different time. What works for you will depend partly on those preferences, so they need to be taken into account when you make the plan.
Even when you find something that makes sense, you may still have mixed feelings about it. You can enjoy being out and miss being home. You may feel disappointed that the change takes more effort than you expected. Those feelings are worth discussing, especially if your usual response is to become angry with yourself or abandon the plan. It’s helpful to understand what you find difficult, what you’re giving up, and whether you still want to continue.
If you keep returning to the old routine, take a closer look at what happens when you make that choice. Do you need rest? Do you dislike the activity you’ve chosen? Are you protecting time that you don’t want to give up? Working through those questions can help you decide what to try next, including whether the original plan still makes sense.
You don’t have to pretend that changing is all you want in order to work on it.
Photography: Frank Holleman / Unsplash.